So Far Read online

So Far

  Elise Lyons

  Copyright 2011 Elise Lyons

  My Crimson Love

  A small introduction from Elise…

  I’ve been writing poetry for as long as I can remember. Through the years, not all of my poems have survived and this is probably a good thing as some of them were really, really bad. As I’ve grown older, the poetry has come to reflect certain periods of my life; some good and some not quite so good. Whether good or bad however, it reflects portions of my life and is honest.

  Good, bad, and really, really horrible: this is a tiny portion of my poetry throughout the past sixteen years, complete with a bit of commentary and other random bits.

  Early Poetry and Teenage Issues

  Who doesn’t remember being a teenager? I feel like I’ve just left my teens on some days and other days realize my oldest daughter isn’t that far off from being a pre-teen which always makes me wince. Not that I miss going through puberty, being irrational all the time, or the peer pressure. Now that I think of it, I don’t miss the fleeting crushes and ‘never-ending’ love either…

  Trick or Treat

  The cackle of witches, the shrieks of ghouls

  The chatter of goblins

  The rattle of chains and the bustle of wings

  and on this night out come all scary things

  They knock on windows

  Pound on doors

  Dance and prance on the floors

  They run around the neighborhood

  causing disruption but never good

  They shout trick or treat, but then goodnight

  For their mothers call them in and turn out the light

  Nature

  The wind is whispering its secrets

  The water is telling lies

  The sun is kissing goodnight

  To the earth

  As the weeping willow cries

  True Emotions

  Peace can be bought with money

  Protection can be bought with money

  Friendship can be bought with money

  But love can’t be bought with money

  Neither can hope or faith

  Because these are real emotions

  Straight from the heart, and

  Not from some rich man’s wallet

  Real

  I'm tired

  Of not being good enough

  Of not being pretty enough

  I'm sorry you can't see

  The other side of me

  The part behind the eyes

  Behind the unappealing body

  Behind this mask

  I'm so tired

  I'm cold

  I feel dead

  I feel alone

  What you see

  Isn't who I am

  It's just pretend

  I don't 'fit in'

  I'm not 'normal'

  I guess I don't care

  I'm done.

  I'm tired of caring

  What you think

  Or what you see

  Too bad

  It would have been worth it

  Knowing the REAL me

  My World

  Precious moments spent in silence

  A golden opportunity slipping by.

  Time is wasted as they hesitate,

  to enter into my world.

  Maybe

  Maybe when the past repeats itself, will we truly learn

  Maybe when future generations read our history,

  they will not do as we did

  Maybe when the old man dies, one last time

  will he look to the Heavens and sigh:

  “If only I had done my best to love and

  not forsake my fellow man!”

  Maybe when a tear is shed,

  will people notice a fragile soul

  Maybe when war breaks out,

  will people regret their anger

  Their jealousy, pride, and greed

  Maybe disasters are the only way to unite mankind

  Maybe love can do the same

  But until someone takes the first step

  We’ll never know

  Maybe

  You Really Love Someone

  You know you really love someone

  When you set him free

  He found another person

  So your love wasn’t meant to be

  But you only want what’s best

  For the one you love

  So you face the final test

  Pray for help from above

  You wish him true happiness

  Hope that he will find

  Everything his heart desires

  In the course of time

  Fear

  Scared of something that doesn’t exist

  It happens to us all

  But when we realize the danger

  Is the fear that caused us to fall

  We understand that what was there

  Is only in our minds

  We must put our fear behind us

  And let the path unwind

  Damned

  Abandon hope all ye who enter here

  The message is so loud and clear

  From the time of conception

  Begins life's long deception

  Hide the wicked

  Pretend away the despair

  Don't let them know

  They're damned

  Past all redemption

  Hope can't save us, and

  God is dead

  Pray to whoever

  Believe if you must

  When say you then

  When your idols are dust?

  Moments

  There are moments in life that stay with us forever, whether we want them too or not. Some stand out more than others and they always manage to bring with them familiar feelings. First love, a life-changing argument, a national disaster, the birth of a child and the death of a loved one are all moments that stay with you.

  9/11

  Who doesn’t remember September 11th? Our children’s children will grow up hearing stories about that day and learning about it in school. Most people who experienced that day even now, ten years later, can tell you exactly where they were and what they were doing when they found out about the Twin Towers and the events that followed.

  This Great Nation

  Three, Two, One

  Red, White, Blue

  The Twin Towers

  The Pentagon

  September 11, 2001

  A mourning Nation

  A devastated People

  Loss of loved ones

  Security destroyed

  A Phoenix

  Rising out of the ashes

  A resurrection

  Proud. Defiant. Courageous.

  America

  A country of greatness

  A people of unity

  An unshakeable conviction

  and determination

  To protect, love, and serve

  This Great Nation

  My Mom

  My mother actually hates to be called ‘mother’, so usually I refer to her as Mother when I wish to annoy her. That being said, hi mom! I know some mother/daughter duos that get along great, as if they were the best of friends. I know other pairs who haven’t spoken to each other in years because of a falling out. Fortunately, my mom is neither my best friend nor someone I don’t speak with. She’s a friend, but most importantly, she’s my mom.

  When I was an impatient, moody teenager and young adult, not so much on the friendship thing. We fought, a lot, and even after I moved out, we had a tense, estranged period that fortunately did not last long. But even when we had our problems, I never stopped loving her and she never stopped loving me.

  Written quite some time ago and dedicated to my Mom: From the Heart.


  From The Heart

  I know I don’t always say

  What you need to hear

  and some of my actions

  are louder than any words

  But deep down inside

  I’m always thinking of you

  and wishing I could express how much I care

  I wish I could tell you

  Just how much you mean

  and how my life is perfect

  Because of the love you give

  I wish I could let you know

  That you’re special to me

  and that I appreciate everything

  you do for me

  I wish I could show you

  The way I feel

  Just a small note

  I know it’s not much

  But maybe it’ll sum up

  What I’m thinking

  I love you more

  with each passing day

  You influence me more than you’ll ever know

  and everything good I am

  I owe all to you

  You are my inspiration

  My light

  My guiding star

  I know this doesn’t take

  away the hurt

  Or perhaps ease all the stings

  I just wanted you to know

  That my love is real

  and I do care

  Even if I don’t show it

  Just remember one thing

  If ever you doubt

  Behind that wall of ice

  is a warm and sincere heart

  That regrets the

  Pain and Suffering

  My unspoken words have brought

  Jada

  One of the happiest moments of my life was discovering I was going to have a baby; and I knew right away that it would be a girl. I was right –twice, I knew I was having a girl during my second pregnancy- and when she was born I knew that this was the reason for life, she was my reason. She’s seven now and has moments where she is the biggest pain in my backside but even during those times when all I want is some peace and quiet, I never forget how much I love her and how much better my life is, how much better I am, because of her.

  To My Daughter

  She brings me Hope

  When I can’t see the Light at the

  end of the tunnel

  She makes me Smile

  When all I seem to do is Frown

  She makes me Laugh

  Even when I Cry

  For her I Live

  For her I’d Die

  She’s my Daughter

  My precious Gem

  Without her, I wouldn’t

  know how to Live

  She’s my Life now

  My Eternal Love

  and every Day, I thank the Heavens

  For this Gift from Above

  Dating, Marriage, and Divorce

  Dating when you’re older and completely responsible for yourself is a bit scary. It’s so easy to fall head over heels in love –or at least lust- with someone and lose yourself in those feelings. People get married for a variety of reasons, love usually being the first. But love doesn’t always last forever, even though we sometimes think it should. And when love does last forever, sometimes love and forever just aren’t enough.

  Tell Me

  You know you want to whisper

  Your secrets in my ear

  Your dirty little fantasies

  I really want to hear

  Fill my mind

  With your darkest desire

  Caresses full of promise

  Passion matched only by fire

  Tell me sexy stories

  Describe your every thought

  Use expressive detail

  Words that can’t be bought

  Gentle exploring touches

  Shivers from the thrill

  Probing intimate places

  Bend me to your will

  Mistakes

  love is never perfect

  perfection isn’t real

  life is full of mistakes

  our mistakes shape us

  love sometimes is a mistake too

  but it shaped me

  into the woman i am now

  so i’m not perfect

  and i make mistakes

  but all that was

  living and learning

  on my way

  to loving you

  My Apology

  I read our conversation today

  The one from four days ago

  I cried

  Not believing how bad

  I hurt you

  Was that me?

  That cold bitch

  Underneath the

  Vodka

  Then I came to the end

  My heart shattered

  I made you hate me

  Damaged what

  Was "us"

  Now I know

  Why I can't

  Look you in the eye

  I'm afraid

  So scared to

  See, what

  Might be there

  Anger?

  Hatred?

  I'm sorry

  Forgive me someday

  This is my

  One and only

  apology

  Alive

  You say I feel no pain

  My heart's as cold as ice

  How do I explain

  It's easier to be cruel

  Then to shed a tear

  Inside my heart is breaking

  A million shards of glass

  Outside I am harsh

  My tongue a razor's edge

  My heart is fragile, and

  You didn't handle it

  With care, so

  Out of desperation

  Out of fear

  When you cry before me

  I remain cold

  You call me "bitch"

  I say "so I'm told"

  It's over, it's died

  But never forget

  This heart is alive

  This Rose You’ve Given Me

  You gave me a rose today                                           

  I peeled away the petals

  And revealed your lies

            ***

  You loved me

  You'd protect me

  You'd love no other

  You understood me

        ***

  I studied the rose

  It was still plump though forlorn

  I peeled away the petals

  And revealed your truths

         ***

  You wanted to possess me

  Too break me

  You hated my passions

  You understood nothing

         ***

  Ever beautiful is this rose

  Though it's looking thin

  I peeled away the petals

  And revealed myself

         ***

  I am proud

  I am free

  My heart is fragile

  I am simply me

  To My Soon-To- Be Ex-Husband

  I'm sorry I wasn't enough

  Was I even a little?

  Things weren't so good

  But I didn't know

  They had gotten that bad

  Was I blind?

  Did I misplace your love

  Or did you just

  Stop giving it?

  "It didn't mean anything"

  Is your favorite phrase

  Why hurt me then

  Over something that

  Meant nothing?

  I must've been

  Something that

  Didn't mean anything

  You had your life

  I gave you mine

  I'm sorry now

  I should've know better

  Never cast your pearls

  Before swine

  Reflections

  I’ve written poet
ry since my divorce which was finalized –many, many moons ago- though I feel like they are a new chapter to my life, perhaps another short little e-book. I have two daughters now, both who bring me joy and new gray hairs every day. I’m also in a committed relationship with a man who also brings me joy and grey hairs every day, bless his heart. Maybe I’ll even get around to writing poetry about my cat, who finds great entertainment in thinking up new, creative ways of murdering me.

  So Far…

  So far I’ve walked a long road

  Faced challenges, overcome obstacles

  I’ve loved and lost, loved and lost again

  Sang “what a crazy world we’re living in”

  I’ve seen people die, people take two step forward

  and dozens of steps back

  I’ve watched relationships being built

  Seen them thrive only to crumble

  I’ve seen countless sunsets

  and not nearly enough sunrises

  I lived through a first day of school

  The first lost tooth and the first puppy crush

  I’ve been scared out of my mind,

  watching my babies suffering

  and one seemingly dying

  and prayed to a God I have a hard time believing in

  Though my faith in Something is rarely shaken

  I’ve wept and cried, usually at the same time

  Seen first years come and go

  Now I wait for the next years to come

  but not too fast

  And know in another ten years

  I’ll sit and reflect back and say,

  So far…